2 Timothy 4:7
“I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.”
Growing up, Denise faced challenges that would have brought anyone to his or her knees.
Raised with six siblings (five brothers and one sister), a Veteran father who battled PTS after a career as a medic in Korea and surrounded by addiction and family suicide (she lost 4 family members), life was certainly not an easy road.
“My father was a man who battled his demons with alcohol. He would be fine for months, and then a monster would emerge – and we would have to walk on eggshells for weeks at a time,” recalls Denise. “He would never talk about Korea, or anything that was going on inside. We just assumed he was mean.”
In a small town, everyone knew Denise’s family. Her mother worked for the local Law Enforcement agency, as a female officer advocate, and her father was known as the town drunk. “We stayed in the shadows as much as we could, but there’s only so much you can avoid when everyone knows who you are.”
It wasn’t until after her father succumbed to his addiction, that Denise learned the truth about the man she only knew as a monster. “At his funeral, we heard stories about a man, I knew nothing about. He was nice – apparently the war changed him more than we knew.”
Years later, Denise began a family with Eric, a pastor, and they had three wonderful boys. Believing she had broken the cycle in her family, Denise began to take a breath of fresh air, and was hopeful for the future. The family attended service every Sunday, and the town knew them.
After some time, Eric left the church for personal reasons, and found himself addicted to “speed,” in an attempt to lose weight that he had gained. His addiction sent him down a rabbit hole, that Denise knew all too well.
“I tried to talk to him, which would turn into full-fledged fights. He pushed me once, breaking my ribs, and puncturing a lung. But it wasn’t Eric…it wasn’t the man I knew was truly inside. I prayed every day for him to come back.”
A family member of an addict suffers from the addiction, just as much, if not more, than the person living with the disease. Isolation can be one of the most confining factors when living with someone with addiction. “I couldn’t talk to anyone – Eric’s family would cover everything up for him, and the town knew us. I was embarrassed to talk to anyone about what was going on behind closed doors.”
Never losing her faith, and continuing to attend service, Denise prayed for the three young men in her life, who she tried desperately to keep safe from the monster of addiction. Unfortunately, two of her three sons found themselves down the same paths – Jacob, a former Marine, ended up in prison; and Lucas down a path of drugs and destruction. While his two older brothers were navigating a path that would only lead to heartbreak, the youngest brother, Gabriel sat back. Feeling abandoned by his two older brothers, Gabriel felt as though he had done something wrong, that his older brothers disliked him. “In reality, they didn’t want Gabriel around, because they knew what they were doing was wrong – and they wanted to protect him from that.”
Gabriel continued through school, and his daily life watching his brothers become shells of the men he grew up with. Never uttering a word about how he felt – only in the recent years did he find his voice in the matter; emphasizing that he didn’t know how to speak up at the time. “No one has the tough conversations when they’re necessary, in fear of upsetting the loved one battling the addiction. We stay silent, and that can sometimes be the most deadly killer.”
During that time, Denise faced herself every day, questioning where she went wrong. “I asked God every day, was I not faithful enough? Was I failing as a mother? I regretted everything – every decision I ever made.”
As parents, we raise our children the best way we know how. At some point, we must understand that they will make certain decisions that could lead them down a path of ruin.
In the long run, we can only support them and provide different opportunities to help them make the right decisions in life, introducing them to different role models such as sponsors, those in recovery, fellow police officers, first responders or members of the military community work hard to show the person struggling to find the correct path.
Warriors Heart – a private treatment facility, exclusively for Warriors, providing care for addiction, chemical dependency & PTS for active military, veterans, law enforcement and first responders – understands the unique demands of our warriors, and works to successfully navigate healing and recovery while in the company of people who personally understand each experience.
Unfortunately for a parent, this can pose a more difficult decision than it sounds. Knowing that you cannot always do what they need when they need it — you can’t always prevent them from hurting, because they need to experience the natural consequences of their actions to get better.
“I had to realize that it wasn’t up to me, to break their cycle of addiction and downward spiral,” recalls Denise. “I would pray, that the calls from the police would stop, or that our names would eventually be out of the published police reports. I was ashamed to go out in public because people knew our name for all the wrong reasons.”
We love our children. We would do anything to remove any pain they are feeling. We would do anything to take away the addiction and smooth the tough road ahead. We would give our lives if it would help, even a little; but Denise never gave up on the boys in her life. “I was so tired; I didn’t have a support system who would understand my fight. God gave me these boys, and I wasn’t going to let the enemy take any more of my family from me.”
Denise found herself more petrified than she had ever been in her life. That fear wasn’t for herself, though, it fell on the hearts of her children. Learning that two of her three boys were addicted to drugs, Denise struggled with the tough questions – How does the mother of an addict juggle the unfathomable challenge between supporting a son and not enabling them?
More-so, how does she deal with the stigma of having not one, but two children who are addicts?
“I felt selfish at times, thinking that THIS is not the life I wanted. I grew up this way, I went to college, and now I’m back where I started. I don’t deserve this.” Desperate for her children to realize the pain they were putting their mother through, Denise continued to pray, and fight for them, despite the despair she felt in her heart.
“You almost wake up and get this horrible feeling that my God, I just wish I wasn’t going to live today,” remembers Denise. “Then you realize, God put me here for a reason, and I wouldn’t be doing His work, if I gave up now – it’s my job to protect them.”
Prison, rehab, and even a radio show appearance all played integral roles in the recovery of Denise’s boys – and in her healing with them.
“I didn’t realize I held on to a guilt for so long, that I didn’t do enough to protect them. And I was a guest on a podcast with one of the boys – and he looked at me and said, ‘you didn’t do anything wrong, mom. What I did, was my decision – I was going to do it, no matter how much you loved, prayed and tried to protect me from myself.’ I realized then that I did mean something to them, and that it was merely my existence and perseverance through the battle, that helped keep them afloat.”
Today, Denise is a proud grandmother to some of the most pure and energetic grandchildren. She has an impenetrable relationship with her sons and continues to lead a life that is steadfast in the mission she knows God put on her heart.
“I don’t hold resentment for anything that I’ve lived through, that’s not a forgiving way to live. If I resent my boys, my family, for the life we all endured, there’s no freedom. And I don’t want that attachment. I need them to know they are worthy and worth fighting for, and that is what I will continue to do.”